Er, so I just saw a new McDonald's commercial on TV. In it, Ronald McDonald was in a tree luring small children over so he could give them fruit.
A park. A tree. A man in a clown suit. Fruit. Children.
That's damn creepy. I'm just sayin', is all.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Band of Evil Macaques Take Over Bovine Compound, Demand Voting Rights and Release of Political Prisoners from President Kiwi
Also, Macaques Can Apparently Talk
by Benjamin Lloyd
Maputo, Mozambique -- A band of decidedly evil macaques have taken a local cow compound hostage and a list of demands has been presented to president Kiwi.
At 0700 GMT, a group of macaques who have recently been accused of rambling on about many inane things into the ears of unsuspecting citizens stormed the local Haven de Vaca and took twenty-three cows hostage. At 0730, a list of demands was faxed to president Kiwi along with some photos of the macaques being evil and poking cows with big sticks. The list of demands is fairly extensive, including voting rights for all macaques, the release of all macaques in worldwide zoos, four pints of Ben and Jerry's One Sweet Whirled ice cream, and the island of Madagascar.
President Kiwi has heretofore expressed a desire to not negotiate with terrorists, but the level of outrage displayed by the cow and penguin citizenship has forced his hand. Kiwi has acquiesced to all of themacaques' demands save one: the ice cream. Ben and Jerry's is staunchly refusing to relaunch the One Sweet World flavor for any reason. A spokesperson released a press statement saying, "Hey, if we did it for them, we'd have to do it for everyone. Frankly, it's just not cost effective." B&J's stock has dropped considerably since the announcement.
Owing to the ice cream giant's staunch refusal to acquiesce to the macaques' request, Kiwi had no choice but to send in the SPAT (Special Penguins and Tactics) team to raid the compound. All of the cows were rescued, and all the officers of the SPAT team returned unharmed. However, two macaques were pip-slapped to death by the penguins' tiny, furious little flippers.
Also: Apparently macaques have evolved the ability to speak English. I'm sure someone cares about this, but no one could be reached for comment. -- A[P]P
by Benjamin Lloyd
Maputo, Mozambique -- A band of decidedly evil macaques have taken a local cow compound hostage and a list of demands has been presented to president Kiwi.
At 0700 GMT, a group of macaques who have recently been accused of rambling on about many inane things into the ears of unsuspecting citizens stormed the local Haven de Vaca and took twenty-three cows hostage. At 0730, a list of demands was faxed to president Kiwi along with some photos of the macaques being evil and poking cows with big sticks. The list of demands is fairly extensive, including voting rights for all macaques, the release of all macaques in worldwide zoos, four pints of Ben and Jerry's One Sweet Whirled ice cream, and the island of Madagascar.
President Kiwi has heretofore expressed a desire to not negotiate with terrorists, but the level of outrage displayed by the cow and penguin citizenship has forced his hand. Kiwi has acquiesced to all of themacaques' demands save one: the ice cream. Ben and Jerry's is staunchly refusing to relaunch the One Sweet World flavor for any reason. A spokesperson released a press statement saying, "Hey, if we did it for them, we'd have to do it for everyone. Frankly, it's just not cost effective." B&J's stock has dropped considerably since the announcement.
Owing to the ice cream giant's staunch refusal to acquiesce to the macaques' request, Kiwi had no choice but to send in the SPAT (Special Penguins and Tactics) team to raid the compound. All of the cows were rescued, and all the officers of the SPAT team returned unharmed. However, two macaques were pip-slapped to death by the penguins' tiny, furious little flippers.
Also: Apparently macaques have evolved the ability to speak English. I'm sure someone cares about this, but no one could be reached for comment. -- A[P]P
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The Southern Culinary Review
Local Woman in Mississippi Starts Latest Food Craze
by Benjamin Lloyd
Chickasaw County, Miss. -- A new food fad is emerging from the back woods of the American Deep South. Previously made (in)famous for such famed foods as the deep-fried Twinkie, deep-fried Oreo, and of course fried chicken, a new craze is sweeping the South: deep-fried chocolate cake. That's right: deep-fried cake. Here is its incredible story.
It all began some six months ago with Clarice Culver, a 380-pound housewife in unincorporated Chickasaw County, Mississippi. Mrs. Culver, who suffers from atherosclerosis, or a hardening of plaque within the arteries, was rooting around in her single-wide for something else with which to clog her already-congested circulatory system (I asked our medical expert what her arteries looked like on the inside, and his prognosis was less than stellar: in a rare show of extreme sarcasm, he purchased a length of 4" PVC pipe and filled it with concrete) when she came across some week-old birthday cake and a decanter of frying oil.
"I thought to myself, 'Well heck! I can't let this all go'n to waste, now can I?' So I fired up the deep frier, battered [the cake] and tossed it in," Mrs. Culver reports. She claims she then ate the entire thing. It should be noted that not everyone believe's Mrs. Culver's story. Many claim that the chances of a cake lasting an entire week in her trailer are "ass-treadnomical [sic]." Despite these few naysayers, however, majority opinion rests on the side of Mrs. Culver.
From Accidental Delight to International Craze
The truly remarkable thing is how quickly delicacy exploded onto the international cuisine scene. From that first remarkably delicious cake, Culver knew she was onto something big. She immediately sped away to the nearest supermarket to purchase several different cake mixtures to decide which was the best. She went through white, yellow, orange, spice, and carrot cake mixtures before settling on devil's food chocolate as the most delicious. After perfecting her recipe she set off to rule the food world.
She set up a booth at the state fair where the cakes were a big hit, the first non-freak fair feature to outgross the Bearded Talking Cow for the first time in seven years. Culver was approached by a major culinary firm and sold the recipe for a record $42 billion. Though many in the industry were outraged by such a high price, and financial analysts had predicted that such reckless spending could push the country further into recession, the economy has seen a considerable boom since the transaction, with the newly-branded fried cakes having grossed nearly half the recipe price in a short 8 months.
Mrs. Culver has since fulfilled all her childhood ambitions, including having purchased a brand-new double-wide trailer and a 1996 Ford Thunderbird 5.0. We at the Associated [Penguin] Press have obtained exclusive rights to the original recipe, which we were able to obtain through a huge loophole in the contract Mrs. Culver signed with her buyers, and here it is, reproduced for you below:
Ingredients:
- 1 cake
- 1 gallon frying oil
- 1 frying basket made from old chicken wire
- frying batter of your choice
Roll cake in batter; place battered cake into basket; lower basket into oil; fry for 5 minutes. Eat.
Mrs. Culver claims to be working on a new secret recipe. We can only hope it will bring as much joy and heart disease as has her previous effort.
--------
Coming articles: Get a behind-the-scenes look at how a large, multinational news agency goes through the process of replacing a recently-sacked medical expert!; Guns: the loud killer; Space: Is there anything useful out there at all?
--------
by Benjamin Lloyd
Chickasaw County, Miss. -- A new food fad is emerging from the back woods of the American Deep South. Previously made (in)famous for such famed foods as the deep-fried Twinkie, deep-fried Oreo, and of course fried chicken, a new craze is sweeping the South: deep-fried chocolate cake. That's right: deep-fried cake. Here is its incredible story.
It all began some six months ago with Clarice Culver, a 380-pound housewife in unincorporated Chickasaw County, Mississippi. Mrs. Culver, who suffers from atherosclerosis, or a hardening of plaque within the arteries, was rooting around in her single-wide for something else with which to clog her already-congested circulatory system (I asked our medical expert what her arteries looked like on the inside, and his prognosis was less than stellar: in a rare show of extreme sarcasm, he purchased a length of 4" PVC pipe and filled it with concrete) when she came across some week-old birthday cake and a decanter of frying oil.
"I thought to myself, 'Well heck! I can't let this all go'n to waste, now can I?' So I fired up the deep frier, battered [the cake] and tossed it in," Mrs. Culver reports. She claims she then ate the entire thing. It should be noted that not everyone believe's Mrs. Culver's story. Many claim that the chances of a cake lasting an entire week in her trailer are "ass-treadnomical [sic]." Despite these few naysayers, however, majority opinion rests on the side of Mrs. Culver.
From Accidental Delight to International Craze
The truly remarkable thing is how quickly delicacy exploded onto the international cuisine scene. From that first remarkably delicious cake, Culver knew she was onto something big. She immediately sped away to the nearest supermarket to purchase several different cake mixtures to decide which was the best. She went through white, yellow, orange, spice, and carrot cake mixtures before settling on devil's food chocolate as the most delicious. After perfecting her recipe she set off to rule the food world.
She set up a booth at the state fair where the cakes were a big hit, the first non-freak fair feature to outgross the Bearded Talking Cow for the first time in seven years. Culver was approached by a major culinary firm and sold the recipe for a record $42 billion. Though many in the industry were outraged by such a high price, and financial analysts had predicted that such reckless spending could push the country further into recession, the economy has seen a considerable boom since the transaction, with the newly-branded fried cakes having grossed nearly half the recipe price in a short 8 months.
Mrs. Culver has since fulfilled all her childhood ambitions, including having purchased a brand-new double-wide trailer and a 1996 Ford Thunderbird 5.0. We at the Associated [Penguin] Press have obtained exclusive rights to the original recipe, which we were able to obtain through a huge loophole in the contract Mrs. Culver signed with her buyers, and here it is, reproduced for you below:
Ingredients:
- 1 cake
- 1 gallon frying oil
- 1 frying basket made from old chicken wire
- frying batter of your choice
Roll cake in batter; place battered cake into basket; lower basket into oil; fry for 5 minutes. Eat.
Mrs. Culver claims to be working on a new secret recipe. We can only hope it will bring as much joy and heart disease as has her previous effort.
--------
Coming articles: Get a behind-the-scenes look at how a large, multinational news agency goes through the process of replacing a recently-sacked medical expert!; Guns: the loud killer; Space: Is there anything useful out there at all?
--------
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