Also, Macaques Can Apparently Talk
by Benjamin Lloyd
Maputo, Mozambique -- A band of decidedly evil macaques have taken a local cow compound hostage and a list of demands has been presented to president Kiwi.
At 0700 GMT, a group of macaques who have recently been accused of rambling on about many inane things into the ears of unsuspecting citizens stormed the local Haven de Vaca and took twenty-three cows hostage. At 0730, a list of demands was faxed to president Kiwi along with some photos of the macaques being evil and poking cows with big sticks. The list of demands is fairly extensive, including voting rights for all macaques, the release of all macaques in worldwide zoos, four pints of Ben and Jerry's One Sweet Whirled ice cream, and the island of Madagascar.
President Kiwi has heretofore expressed a desire to not negotiate with terrorists, but the level of outrage displayed by the cow and penguin citizenship has forced his hand. Kiwi has acquiesced to all of themacaques' demands save one: the ice cream. Ben and Jerry's is staunchly refusing to relaunch the One Sweet World flavor for any reason. A spokesperson released a press statement saying, "Hey, if we did it for them, we'd have to do it for everyone. Frankly, it's just not cost effective." B&J's stock has dropped considerably since the announcement.
Owing to the ice cream giant's staunch refusal to acquiesce to the macaques' request, Kiwi had no choice but to send in the SPAT (Special Penguins and Tactics) team to raid the compound. All of the cows were rescued, and all the officers of the SPAT team returned unharmed. However, two macaques were pip-slapped to death by the penguins' tiny, furious little flippers.
Also: Apparently macaques have evolved the ability to speak English. I'm sure someone cares about this, but no one could be reached for comment. -- A[P]P
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